Some parents are...Sep
01
Posted: 09.01.10 @ 01:31pm • Filed: Daily Kate • Tags: anxiety
I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. For some reason, I feel like if I walk into a room, everyone is staring at me. My palms get sweaty and it feels like there is an elephant standing on my chest. I have no idea why this happens or what causes it; I just wish it would stop. For some reason, my math class causes even more anxiety than normal. Maybe it is because that class is a full class? My other classes have under 15 people in each so I do not mind going to them. I hate going on campus and I knew by filling my schedule with three in-class classes I was taking a big risk. I love to his behind my internet classes because I do not have to have facetime with fellow students. Ever since the whole rape thing back when I was fifteen, I have had major anxiety around strange people. I hate going in crowds and freak out in them often. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD when I went to him back when I was twenty. Maybe the PTSD is raising its ugly little head again. I have no clue but I really wish it would go the hell on.
In other news, this weekend will be our first Grayson free weekend in a while. This Saturday is also our one year anniversary of being together. Also, next Friday is my birthday as well. There is a lot of celebrate in the month of September! I also get my money for financial aid this month as well which I could really use like yesterday. I hate the way my college takes forever. Bills are piling up and they need to be paid which causes them to take their sweet precious time more so than usual.
Anyways, I wish I had more time to write but I have to run to Kennesaw to get my mom’s prescriptions and then come back home and do some homework. After homework, it’s WoW time. I’m officially readdicted to the game. So if you play, let me know what server you’re on. So until next time, later loves!
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Aug
27
Today has been one super hectic day that did not turn out like anything I had planned or imagined. The day started with my husband telling me he loved me and kissing me goodbye at 5 a.m. this morning. He had agreed to go help his dad today which meant his dad would swing by after he got off this morning and pick the hubster up so I would not have to take him later. After the “I love you’s” and kisses were exchanged, I fell back asleep only to wake up an hour later to my cellphone’s text message alert. Oh boy, who in their right mind would be texting me at six a.m. considering everyone around me knows I am not a morning person? Let me re-stress this, I am not a morning person. Low and behold, it was my brother-in-law asking me to tell my husband to turn his phone on which I informed him the hubster was not here so I couldn’t help him with that. So, off to dream land I went once again.
Around 10:30 a.m. I wake up to my phone once again. Considering how I didn’t fall asleep last night until almost four, it’s a wonder I didn’t think to silence my phone but since the hubster was leaving, I left it on in case he needed to get in contact with me. This time around, it was my step-son’s mom asking me if I could meet her at her work to pick him up. He wasn’t supposed to be here until Friday, but it didn’t dawn on me that it was Thursday until after I agreed to come pick him up. Also, I know that today is Friday since it is after 3 a.m. but for all intent purposes, I am still in Thursday mode since I have not been to bed yet so bare with me folks. After our phone call, I rushed to get dressed since I had to pick him up thirty minutes later. I also talked my mom into riding with me and Beth decided to tag-a-long as well. As we pulled up to my step-son’s mom’s work, she comes out of the back (the kitchen area) holding him in nothing but a diaper. I’m sorry but since when is it kosher to take your child out in public in just a diaper? I was raised that children, even babies, do not go out without proper clothing and something on their feet even if it’s a pair of socks if the child is not walking yet. I was livid to say the least. What if we had planned on going somewhere after picking him up? Too effing bad obviously.
So that is how my day started. We also need to throw in the fact that I missed my math class to keep Grayson since my sister had to take my mom and step-dad to the emergency room. My step-dad injured his hand a while back and has finally decided to get it checked on. Evidently, the pain has finally gotten to an all-time high so he thought that it was time to get something done about it. Thank God. I really hate seeing him in pain and when he has no grip in his hand that obviously is a sign that something is wrong. A part of me was very happy to miss my math class since it is the most boring class known to mankind. We have all of our assignments and lectures on this computer program and all the teacher does is read straight from the computer. I’m sorry but why is attendance mandatory if I can do the same thing in the comfort of my own home? I find this ridiculous and not to mention that there is this annoying ass kid who won’t quit talking and humming throughout the class. I swear, one day I’m going to bash him in the head with my keyboard.
Anyways, I did make my night class which is political science. However, on the way to school, I banged my head on my sister’s car since I forgot her car sits a lot lower than mine. This, my friends, has caused me to have a raging migraine. I hurt all through class and the rest of the night. When I got home from class I barely could see and was in tears so my mom gave me a percocet to hopefully knock me out and help with the pain. Nope, ‘fraid not. I am still hurting and I’ve had another pill about an hour ago. Nothing is helping this migraine. My whole head is sore and even the back of my eyes hurt. I have never been in so much pain. This pain is a lot different than my normal migraine as well since it’s not a tension migraine. This migraine has also caused me to have a bout of insomnia which has been a quite frequent thing lately. For some reason, I have insomnia a lot more when Grayson is here. I think I am paranoid about his night terrors and such which he hasn’t had for the past three weeks. *knocks on wood* I have no clue why I don’t sleep as well when he is here other than the fact I am just worried something might happen in his sleep which is just my paranoia talking. At least with my migraine and insomnia I’ve had a chance to actually sit down and blog. I’ve missed my blog. There is so much I have to say, but I just don’t have the time to say it. I have made an honest effort to start making more time for blogging since I have a few other blogging projects I’d like to work on as well, but this blog is my number one priority!
I am going to go lay down and watch one of the Hallmark or Lifetime movies I have on my DVR. Hopefully that will relax me enough after I go get me some apple juice so I can get to sleep. For some reason, my mouth is very dry right now as well. Also, please excuse any weird wording or what not in this post. My husband already told me earlier that I was slurring and not making sense due to my medicine so I can only imagine how this blog post has turned out. I did however read over it three times before I published it though. So anywho, later loves.
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Aug
25
Posted: 08.25.10 @ 04:17pm • Filed: Daily Kate • Tags: memories
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Aug
09
Posted: 08.09.10 @ 07:15pm • Filed: Daily Kate • Tags: weight loss
All my life I have been overweight. I have always been ashamed with my weight issues and have tried to hide them the best I can. I have felt like I have never truly fit into the person I am destined to be. I have always allowed what the scale says determine whether I love myself or not for that particular day. To be honest, it is very exhausting to be fat. You have no idea how tired it is to tote around a hundred or so extra pounds, especially up stairs and in the hot weather. I am quite sure you can imagine how hard it is to chase around a one year old as well. I seriously dread the time when he starts walking and taking off because I know I will be huffing and puffing after him.
In light of all of this, I have decided that it truly is time to make a change. I am not going on a diet or anything like that. I believe the reason I have dieted so much and failed is because I am not getting to the root of my problem. There is some void deep down that I am trying to fill with food which obviously is not working. In order for me to truly change my life, I need to find out what that void is instead of just trying to placate it. As I was watching Oprah today, I heard about a book that I believe would really help me get to the bottom of the problem. So, I purchased Women, Food, & God by Geneen Roth. Roth focuses on the root of all of our problems and does not recommend dieting. She recommends eating until we are satisfied and eating what we want. Obviously, that means that once you take care of your inner problems, you won’t feel like food is a crutch anymore. I can now openly admit that I am a slave to food. It rules my life and I am tired of it. Hopefully my book will get here tomorrow and I can start reading.
The only thing I am scared about is all the feelings and past memories the book is going to bring up. I do not want to relive those awful memories but if it will help me to finally conquer this problem, it is worth it.
In other news, Grayson is staying yet another night with us. I will be meeting his mom at her work tomorrow to drop him off around noon. That works for me because I need to get my books for school on financial aid and then go buy some groceries. I am going through a healthy food kick which I am happy about. I now realize that I can eat what I want but still be healthy since I have been converting a lot of my favorite recipes. I have also been looking up new recipes and I cannot wait to try this Spinach Artichoke Pasta recipe I found online. It looks so yummy and filling at the same time. I never realized how much I adore spinach and artichokes since I used to snub my nose at anything healthy sounding such as spinach.
Well, a certain one year old is dancing and singing in his pack and play which is my sign that it is Mommy and Grayson time while Jonathan is at school. I love these rare moments with Grayson when it is just me and him. He is so sweet and adorable. I love him more and more each day.
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Aug
06
Posted: 08.06.10 @ 08:28pm • Filed: Daily Kate • Tags: Sitely
Wow, it honestly has been forever and a day since I last posted here. I didn’t mean to lose track of time; it just happened all on its own. I guess you could say that me being busy lately is definitely an understatement. I had a busy summer semester and then it got around to being Grayson’s birthday. Taking care of Grayson is honestly a full-time job when he is here. Since I’ve last blogged, he has been here half of the time which I love, but it requires a lot of organization and juggling everything on my part. So, as of today, I am making a promise to my self to be more involved in my site. I also plan on opening up two other domains as well. One will be for stepmommy stuff and the other will be for reviews and such. I really am getting more into the making money online full-time. The little money I bring in from blogging really helps me provide little things for the family. For instance, my online blogging money is Grayson’s diapers and baby food fund. The money the hubby brings in is for bills and us to go out at least twice a month which is much-needed. So anyways, I am sorry this post is all over the place but I am trying to cook dinner, entertain Grayson, and blog at the same time! So until next time, later loves!
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Jul
07
Wow, I can’t believe I let so many days go by without a blog post. I’m disappointed because I was doing so good blogging as well. I had finally hit my stride and was getting back in the blogging groove of things. I guess I got thrown a curve ball by underestimating how hard my summer class was going to be and then my best friend stayed for two weeks here which was unexpected. I enjoyed her company but I believe I am the type of person that likes to be alone at times and having to constantly entertain someone was not fun. Also, on top of that, Grayson was here for a week since it was Father’s Day. I enjoyed having my baby here for a week. I love that little bugger.
Another thing causing my lack of blogging was after Grayson left our house, he was hospitalized a week later. He had a really bad infection and they thought it was staph at first. Thankfully it was just cellulitis but he had a place on his tummy and bottom that had to be lanced. Needless to say he was not happy sitting down. Also, in between his legs he had a lot of yeast and that was causing further problems and discomfort for the poor guy. After he was released from the hospital, his mom brought him down here to stay with us for the weekend. The day he got here had sores/hives all over his body but instead of taking him to the ER his mom said to give him Benadryl. Since obviously I’m just his step-mom I decided to give him the medicine but the next day it wasn’t better and was looking a little worse so I told Jonathan we were taking him to the hospital. We kept calling Michelle but she never answered until Jonathan text messaged her and said we were on our way to the hospital to which she promptly called back. At the hospital, I went back with her and was answering all the questions for the doctor. I even had to change him because evidently she didn’t want to. It really annoyed me because here is your child who is sick and not at his best and you don’t want to have to do nothing for him. It was really irritating but thankfully she sent him back home with us and after a day and a half of antibiotics he was already looking a lot better. Hopefully when he gets here on Friday he will look even better if she has given him his medicine properly.
I just wanted to post a quick update. I didn’t do so hot in my June session class thanks to everything going on and having a final when Grayson was in the hospital, but I’m hoping this July session class will go a lot smoother. I did so bad in June that I failed the class. I missed the last test and final which were on the same day. Honestly, I don’t care. Grayson was more important. I’m really falling into the whole role as a step-mom and love spending time with my little guy. He is a joy to be around and Jonathan and I are a lot closer now as well. I love both of my guys. All in all, I love my life and wouldn’t trade it for anything. So, I am going to go start my homework for my class since Jonathan went out to lunch with his cousin which means I have some quiet time if the siblings will stop barging into my room. Wow, I so can’t wait to move out which hopefully will be soon. So until next time, later loves!
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Jun
12
I so meant to blog before midnight but I have had a horrendous migraine all day so it just didn’t happen. I decided to pop on and at least post something in an effort of my blog-a-thon. Tomorrow is moving day and also the day I am going to trade my Samsung Rogue for my best friend’s Motorolla Droid which I’m excited about. I’ve wanted a droid phone so bad and now I will finally have one. Hopefully I won’t be too exhausted to blog tomorrow but if so, ya’ll know why. I’m off to bed since my medicine is kicking in. Night ya’ll.
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Jun
10
Posted: 06.10.10 @ 09:36pm • Filed: Daily Kate, Project Blog • Tags: classes, friends, Grayson, sickness
This weekend, two of my best friends are coming over to spend the weekend with us. My best friend, Kela, is going to be here so I am excited to have some girly time. My sister and I plan on having a lot of fun vegging out with Kela and watching girl movies. I’m sorry but there are just some movies I can’t watch with the boyfriend. He just doesn’t understand them or doesn’t want to sit through them. I have missed having a best friend that is a girl aside from my sister. My sister knows me so well so it is nice to hang out with someone that doesn’t know you like the back of their hand, ya know? Plus, Kela and I are a lot alike which I love. It’s kind of neat because Kela is also the girlfriend to my other best friend, Jon. Jon and my husband also are good friends and get along great as well so we all have our own little group plus my sister Beth. Speaking of my sister, she has her own blog, Flirty B so you all should stop by and give Beth some love. She is new to the whole blogging world so bare with her.
Anyways, another big project for the weekend in between girls’ weekend is that Jonathan and I are swapping rooms with my two sisters. Their room happens to be my old room and it has a smaller closet than my current room but has more space which is what we need now with the addition of Grayson. Our room now is cramped for space and we have furniture lining every wall and not enough walking space for when Grayson gets older. So now once we swap, we will still have adequate closet size and a lot more space. I will miss my room though. I love my three windows and the natural sunlight. Plus, my old room is next to the kitchen so I am sure I will enjoy hearing the sounds of the dishwasher at night. Oh boy. The extra space is so worth it though. Thank God we will have Jon here to help us move. I don’t want to get Kela involved because she has had a really bad ear infection and I know she is in constant pain.
Speaking of ear aches, since when can a chiropractor cure an ear ache? I was talking to Michelle about Grayson and it turns out Grayson has an inner ear infection. The doctor has to give him antibiotic shots and he is required to have three shots total and has received one so far. Well, instead of taking him to get the last two shots, she wants to take him to the chiropractor instead. So she canceled the doctor’s appointments for the shots and is dead set on taking him. I’m really confused. If he has an infection that already requires an antibiotic shot of a powerful antibiotic isn’t it too risky to not take him? Kela is in the same boat and her doctor told her that uncured ear infections can leave permanent damage. She is so bad with her ears right now that she could possibly go deaf in one ear and I don’t want to see that happen to Grayson. Am I missing something? I just don’t understand her taking him to a chiropractor especially when he is only 10-months old.
Anyways, I need to get back to highlighting my book for my next test on Monday. I took my test today and scored 69/75 which I am happy about. Basically I got an A so I am VERY happy!
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Jun
09
Ever since someone twittered about Manda’s suicide attempt, it has put a lot of things into perspective for me. First off, I didn’t know Manda that well but I have read her blog and commented on it a few times. I also know her through the message boards but I have never talked to her personally. From everything I gathered based from various boards and her blog, she was a nice girl who had an overwhelming life when it came to her relationship with her ex-loser and taking care of her adorably-cute daughter, Gracie. She has a lot on her plate and I guess she felt like she hit rock bottom and life crashed in around her to the point she felt she had no way out. I was quite surprised to hear that she tried to commit suicide because on her blog posts she might seem troubled at time but I guess you never really think someone you know or know of would do something like that. I keep Manda in my thoughts and prayers daily and am adamantly praying for a safe recovery for her. I do know that she has a lot of people both online and offline that cares about her so hopefully once all is well, she can move on from this and put it behind her. I also believe someone needs to kick her ex-loser’s ass as well. I just can’t imagine any man being worth that. I love my husband to death but I’d rather kick his ass personally than cause harm to me because of him.
As I said, everything in my life has been put into perspective. My husband and I don’t always get along but honestly, our biggest fight has been over his brother downloading porn on my laptop. Yes, we did argue over that and I was so ready to just ignore him for a good week because I was tired of fighting with him. There is a lot more to the story but I don’t want to go into it right now. Basically, he spent time with his dad that day and we both cooled down and realized what big retards we were being. No matter what issues we have, we work them out. Divorce isn’t in our vocabulary. I love my husband because he is more than my husband, he is my best friend. Whenever life gets me down, he is my safety rope pulling me back up. Ever since our fight and talking things out, it is like we are in the new stage of our relationship where we are lovey dovey all the time and the sex has been amazing. Okay, let me back up because a) we are always lovey dovey no matter what and b) the sex is always amazing but it’s just like something has clicked between us.
The only issues in my life that have really stressed me out are school, finances, and my weight. Luckily, I swapped classes around so I have one class throughout June session and one class throughout July session. Also, I get my financial aid money next week and I have decided to retry Thrive. If I can make it to next week I will be fine. My finances are so bad that I literally have no money to my name thanks to some unforeseen situations that I didn’t plan for. If those things would not have happened, I would have plenty of money. I know that I am a strong person and I can make it a week. Besides, I have no bills due right now and I don’t have any expenses aside from gas to worry about this week since my gas tank is full I can deal with it. The only thing I’m worried about is Grayson’s diapers but luckily my sister already bought a pack since she loves buying for Grayson and we have plenty of baby food here at the house and juice. So really, I think I am a natural worrier and I have to have something to worry about at all things or I feel out of control. I let things manifest in my brain until I can’t stop concentrating on it. I really think this is where my funks come from. I’m working on blogging everything out so it’s out there in the open so it’s off my brain!
In sitely news, I am going to finally put up my 101 in 1001 page and add a blogroll. I’ve visited some pretty amazing blogs lately and really want to link them. I am also working on other things I want to add to the site such as recipes since I love to kick and a resource section since I love coming across site resources that I think can be beneficial to others. So watch out for those. I’ve been working on some free themes for wordpress I’d like to offer here as well. I’m full of ideas and just praying I have time to complete them all. Well, I’m off to Nutrition Hell because I have a 50 page study guide for the three chapters I have a test on tomorrow. Yes, we started class on Monday and I have a test already. Got to love summer semesters!
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Jun
08
Today’s prompt at Project Blog is Loved and lost, or never loved at all? Which might you prefer?
In my humble opinion, I think it is much better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I have had my fair share of relationships and heartbreaks and even through the God-awful times, I have never regretted opening my heart up and loving someone. There is no way to explain how love feels because it is such an amazing feeling that there aren’t words that I can fully describe it. My husband has opened my life up to a whole new world. His love had made me realize that love is completely worth the risk. I can’t imagine my life without love because it’d be a life full of gray skies. To me, love is the splash of color in your life that makes things interesting and beautiful all at the same time. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to others, but it does to me.
The point is, I think living in a world without love wouldn’t be something I’d ever want to experience. I like knowing there is someone who loves me and feels the same way for me as I do for him. I don’t ever want to live without love.
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