Aug
09
Posted: 08.09.10 @ 07:15pm • Filed: Daily Kate • Tags: weight loss
All my life I have been overweight. I have always been ashamed with my weight issues and have tried to hide them the best I can. I have felt like I have never truly fit into the person I am destined to be. I have always allowed what the scale says determine whether I love myself or not for that particular day. To be honest, it is very exhausting to be fat. You have no idea how tired it is to tote around a hundred or so extra pounds, especially up stairs and in the hot weather. I am quite sure you can imagine how hard it is to chase around a one year old as well. I seriously dread the time when he starts walking and taking off because I know I will be huffing and puffing after him.
In light of all of this, I have decided that it truly is time to make a change. I am not going on a diet or anything like that. I believe the reason I have dieted so much and failed is because I am not getting to the root of my problem. There is some void deep down that I am trying to fill with food which obviously is not working. In order for me to truly change my life, I need to find out what that void is instead of just trying to placate it. As I was watching Oprah today, I heard about a book that I believe would really help me get to the bottom of the problem. So, I purchased Women, Food, & God by Geneen Roth. Roth focuses on the root of all of our problems and does not recommend dieting. She recommends eating until we are satisfied and eating what we want. Obviously, that means that once you take care of your inner problems, you won’t feel like food is a crutch anymore. I can now openly admit that I am a slave to food. It rules my life and I am tired of it. Hopefully my book will get here tomorrow and I can start reading.
The only thing I am scared about is all the feelings and past memories the book is going to bring up. I do not want to relive those awful memories but if it will help me to finally conquer this problem, it is worth it.
In other news, Grayson is staying yet another night with us. I will be meeting his mom at her work tomorrow to drop him off around noon. That works for me because I need to get my books for school on financial aid and then go buy some groceries. I am going through a healthy food kick which I am happy about. I now realize that I can eat what I want but still be healthy since I have been converting a lot of my favorite recipes. I have also been looking up new recipes and I cannot wait to try this Spinach Artichoke Pasta recipe I found online. It looks so yummy and filling at the same time. I never realized how much I adore spinach and artichokes since I used to snub my nose at anything healthy sounding such as spinach.
Well, a certain one year old is dancing and singing in his pack and play which is my sign that it is Mommy and Grayson time while Jonathan is at school. I love these rare moments with Grayson when it is just me and him. He is so sweet and adorable. I love him more and more each day.
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Jun
06
Grayson’s mom came and picked him up this morning. Poor guy, I think he is getting sick yet again. He had a double ear infection lately and then he got better but over the weekend he ran a fever and was pulling at his ears. I looked at his ears and they appeared to be getting red again. Thankfully, his mom is going to take him to the doctor tomorrow after I told him about his ears. Needless to say, since he didn’t feel good he slept in two hour increments. Jonathan got so irritated last night because Grayson only would let me comfort him. What can I say, he knows whose baby he is.
I didn’t sleep well last night and today I am totally dragging. My sleep problems started before Grayson even woke up for the first time. I had a dream about my Grandma and it was so real that I woke up forgetting that she passed away in March of 2003. I hate dreams like that because it feels me with sadness and yearning to see her. My Grandma was my everything. I loved her and I spent every Friday night with her growing up. I can remember as a teenager I used to get so mad because she’d call multiple times a day and now I’d give anything to have her call again. It’s funny how life works out that way. I can even close my eyes and see her face and even hear her voice. I would go as far to say that if I concentrate really hard I could smell her house as well. My Grandma’s house always smelled good because she was always cooking up something yummy. I just miss her. My dream hit me straight in the gut with an iron fist and reminded me how much I miss her. In some ways, I want to crawl back in bed and pray to God I can have that dream over again just to see her again. It’s funny how we take things for granted and don’t truly realize what we have until they are gone. I did love my Grandma but towards the end of her life I stopped going over there every Friday night and now when I think back on it that makes me ashamed. I’m just glad that I was able to visit her when she was in the hospital and that when she finally passed away our whole family was there for her. She literally hung on until all her family was there around her.
Since I can’t have her back and I’m not quite ready to go spend my afterlife with her, the only thing I can do is to live my life in a way that would make her proud. I’ve decided that my first step in regards to having a baby will be to give Thrive another chance. Thrive is a diet that a lot of people who have had past trouble with diets have found that Thrive actually works for them. My first two weeks on Thrive I lost 12 pounds. I think it’s worth going back and taking another stab at it. I want to get serious about my weight loss and I let my “stinking thinking” control too much of what I do. I need to focus on blocking out the negativity which is very hard for me. I feel as if I am in a rut when it comes to my weight so hopefully with some hard work and determination, I can get out of said rut.
Even though I really have a lot to do today, I think I am going to go take a nap. I am getting yet another migraine. I really love the summertime but for some reason I get migraines like crazy during the summer months. I guess it has a lot to do with the barometric pressure and such. Hopefully I can take some medicine and take a short nap and wake up headache free because I have a killer pork loin I plan on cooking tonight!
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